It's time to get real I have a friend of a friend. Well, she's my friend, but I mean, she didn't say this to me. I'm relaying this like a friend told me that my friend said. She said that she she doesn't like performance performing, and like specifically this is the context of DJing or like being like a musician I guess like that sort of like musical performance Because I guess she thinks that like music can never like if you're performing, it can never be real or like authentic or raw because you're performing like foreign audience or it's not it's staged in a way And like I was just thinking about that as it relates and pertains to writing, I guess and also More than that, I think about how it pertains to my daily life because I'm extremely exhausted all the time and I think it's because Like I have to perform constantly like for work or for friends or for other people and like sometimes I'm like is there anywhere where I'm like ever truly safe to be me because I'm in this like hell prison Like cage of like constantly having to Like pretend to be a normal person which obviously I'm failing at consistently every day and then even when I do kind of stop, stop it go away You're ruining my stuff even sorry anyways even when I do Seem like normal I guess it's like people don't ever like see it as normal like they see it as like Shy or something or like completely just like weird and quiet and like it's like sometimes the thought of performing can censor your mind like my mind goes blank sometimes when I'm around new people And I don't know what to say, but it's not that I don't have thoughts like obviously I talk a lot and I have a lot to say but when I'm talking, it's like My words don't come out good and I know that like deep down, I'm not stupid or anything, but When I'm talking to people it feels like I've got like 80 tabs going on and I can't like Access them So Sometimes you feel like that's exhausting cause I feel like I can't really communicate with people properly and then sometimes I feel like the stuff that I say it's misconstrued And I guess like it makes it really exhausting because as an artist, I'm constantly self censoring and I feel like as an artist you can't self censor because you will not make anything and it's been really hard to like find a way to like get like To feel like you can engage with like any type of craft without feeling like preemptively like Criticizing it and stuff but also as well and not to say that men don't do this too, but I do find it to be like you know like girls with autism like tend to mask better and I also think that it's like – I'm not explaining this well– but like male like the male gaze how like women can see themselves through the mail so you can look at yourself through like through someone else's eyes And like see you're like you can objectify yourself and it's like with my art. It's like I can see myself from the outside like looking at myself and like I can see myself from the outside and it's like even when I'm being a freak like I can see myself being a freak, but I can't stop myself from being a freak and it's just like I'm constantly like outside of my body. It's very weird. It's like I'm constantly in my head and outside of my body. Also, this is like such a dumb ass tangent, but like also like I wonder if this is why like I can't dance like I am completely like disconnected from my physical form I can't dance and I can't I can't Fucking I can't meditate cause there's too much going on in my head. I can't meditate and I can't dance and I'm also like extremely like unathletic like bro I can't do anything but on top of all that yeah anyways I guess like generally like the moral of the stories like I need a fucking Xanax. But yeah